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A pun about controversial popstar Miley Cyrus has topped the list of our favourite new festive gags in a competition to modernise the traditional Christmas cracker joke. Also staking a claim in the Top 10 are witticisms about the Queen, speed dating and eBay, with laughs about Harry Styles, Shakespeare and Fairy Liquid just missing out on the top spots. We challenged wordsmiths to write their own original festive gags and enter their puns in a Twitter competition to revamp the outdated Christmas cracker joke.

And a poll of decided on the best. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer. Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered.

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To put it another way — if you thought your wild wedding was awkward, imagine what it’s like if you’ve performed a three-knuckle merengue in the bride’s Sunday school teacher. We’re not slagging them. Dates with older women can be really fun. We’re just saying don’t let them get your home address. If you can’t protect yourself, you’d get wild kicks doing surgery at memes to save money. The female thing comparable to a cougar for insanity, health-risk and awesometicity is the White Castle memes ring.

Should you date a cougar? Why don’t you let Ben Franklin answer that question? He was not only our wisest Founding Father, he was also our smoothest playboy. When Franklin fathered a whoreson bastard, that child grew up to be governor.

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Speed dating jokes

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